Day 4

Day 4: Via negativia; today, pick a habit that you’d like to eliminate from your life. Bad habits are like armpits, we all have ‘em and they all stink. Whether cutting soda out of your life, or putting a stop to your porn addiction; either way, as with yesterday, think about the steps you’ll take in order to put the kibosh on that negative habit. And again, also think about how you’ll keep yourself accountable to that goal.

(BTW: It's actually 1/10/14 as I write this)

I feel like it's too obvious to just say 'smoking'. I've made it my New Year's Resolution (bullshit) to quit smoking - cigarettes, that is. Haven't even made a New Year's Resolution in my adult life. If there was anything to make one over, it's this. But, before I consider this my 'thing', I should acknowledge here - and to myself - that I think I finally got this one. I mean, I'm only on day 3 of no tobacco/nicotine, but this HAS to happen. Like last year, it'll be easy motivation knowing I've got my fucking biometric screening coming up, and I NEED more moolah! Not to mention, to coincide with my main positive habit that I'm trying to implement, there is no room in my life for cigarettes while trying to get into peak physical condition. They don't exactly help me out when I'm out, running with the dogs, or going swimming or lifting weights at the gym, or whatever… There won't be many cigarettes floating around after the apocalypse. Anyway, I do remember that this fight surely isn't over after a couple days. I went over a month clear, which might as well be home-free at that point. The REALLY hard part is over. Fucking cigarettes, man. In the back of my head, I've always held on to this idea that even when I quit, there'll still be some other cigarette down the road in my life, even if it's just one. But, that idea is poisonous. Fuck 'em! I try to remember how I felt when I was a kid, and I was able to only see them as this disgusting thing that served no purpose. I mean, truly, the 'purpose' of it all is rather ridiculous. For me, realistically, I guess it's to de-stress, mainly. I hate to say that. I don't think I would've said that initially in my smoking career. But, that really is what they are to me now. Especially now that I've taken on a more stressful line of work than I ever expected I would. Especially now that I'm in a shitty marriage as an adult. Especially now that I'm hardly doing anything I really thought I'd be doing in my adult life. I mean, shit!!!!!! Who's fault is that, first of all?! But, I guess that's where cigarettes come in. They sort of take you down a peg. Which, if you're in a good place, I feel like you shouldn't really need. But, the familiarity of it all, and the… I don't know what. It sucks. Honestly, I wasn't even enjoying the actual high of a cigarette at all. I was getting to really hate it. I suppose the only thing I enjoy is inhaling deeply, and exhaling a smoke. Oh yeah, and going outside for several minutes. I actually began to notice that I would hate talking on the phone while having a cigarette, because I felt like it sort of cut into my cigarette time. How is that a thing? I'm still smoking. If anything, I might just be smoking more because I'm a little more tuned out. But, yeah… having a cigarette outside can be very meditative. But… there's the thing. All I really had to do if I wanted to recreate that effect, is to just step outside! A-ha! There ya have it, fellas! We have a genius here! That's really what I was getting out of it. I'm sure the nicotine does what it does. To be honest, I've never really been able to connect that feeling. I've tried to pretend it wasn't a thing. Which is why I've always attempted this sans patch or gum. Fuck nicotine! I assert that it was never nicotine that had a hold on me (even though I'm sure science, and my body, would disagree). It was this need to go outside for a minute, take some deep breaths, and process some shit, before I resumed my life. I think I'll have my breathing back, thanks. I think I'll have my ten-minute breaks back, thanks. I think I'll have my whole fucking life back, thanks. Oh yeah… and I think I'll have my 30%, thanks :)