Day 6

Day 6: Pick a quote from our 80-ish quotes on manhood and reflect on why it stands out to you. Does it reflect a man that you aren’t yet, but hope to be? Does one of them remind you of a great man in your life who you’ve tried to model? If you can’t seem to reflect on a single quote, just take the time to write out a few of them that you like. Doing so will keep them top-of-mind and perhaps lead to some thoughts later down the road.

Several that stuck out to me:

"The greatest thing a man can possibly do in this world is to make the most possible out of the stuff that has been given him. This is success, and there is no other. It is not a question of what someone else can do or become which every youth should ask himself, but what can I do? How can I develop myself into the grandest possible manhood?" - Orison Swett Marden

"Without an adversary, virtus shrivels. We see how great and how viable is when, by endurance, it shows what it is capable of" - Seneca

"The lesson taught at this point by human experience is simply this, that the man who will get up will be helped up; and the man who will not get up will be allowed to stay down. Personal independence is a virtue and it is the soul out of which comes the sturdiest manhood. But there can be no independence without a large share of self-dependence, and this virtue cannot be bestowed. It must be developed from within" - Frederick Douglass

“Life is too short to be little. Man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and with fervor.” –Benjamin Disraeli

There were others, but they had redundant themes. Here, we have a few different themes going on which could be addressed. All of these obviously spoke to me in one way or another.

Marden's quote deals with how to measure oneself... something I deal with all the time. Over the course of my life, I've wanted to be a writer, a filmmaker, an actor, a history teacher, a music history teacher, a musician, a helper, and now, a comic writer. All these desires, all these would-be ambitions... but what holds me back more than anything is me applying some measurement of what success looks like. Obviously, success is something I don't have, or am not. And therefore, the discouragement happens because I'm wrongly comparing myself to others, or tell myself that I wouldn't be good enough at it. The problem truly is that I can't just try something, and try to see it through... and if I fail, then I fail. I could at least pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. But, I won't even let myself go down that road for fear of failure. This quote is about 'making the most possible out of the stuff given'. I am what I am. I'm not gonna wake up tomorrow, and be someone I'm not. I'll still be Eric Miller. But, that's the challenge. Wake up tomorrow, and grow. Wake up tomorrow, and strive to be the best 'me' that I can be.

Seneca's really spoke to me - as did several other similar quotes - because of something I've felt since I was young. Look... let me start this by saying, I've always felt like in my lifetime, a huge apocalypse-like scenario would happen. I always imagined myself living in a world far different from our own, where I was called upon to be the leader I always felt like I was. This quote reminds me of that. I always felt that if I had some great obstacle to overcome, my true greatness underneath would present itself. But, this also goes back to the prior quote. True adversity in life isn't the stuff of fantasy... it's not Lord of the Rings, and I'm not Frodo. The adversity we must face in life is the simple letdowns... the plain-old failures of not achieving everything you set out to do. When you set yourself on a path to ambition and, and goals, you will inevitably find obstacles. But, you must grow from them.

Frederick Douglass speaks of the responsibility one has to, simply, get up. These days, 'getting up' has become everything for me. It's not just how to deal with tough stuff... it's making something out of yourself. "If you get up, you will be helped up". Others will support you if you try to make something of yourself. But, if you don't even try, you won't be assisted in getting up in the first place. Obviously, there are gonna be people who want to help. But, they won't know how. You won't let them if they tried. You have to initiate the spark. And that brings us to the final quote... (man, all of these really were tied together; at least in my interpretation of them)

Disraeli's quote speaks to me because I, too, recognize the urgency. "Life IS too short to be little". To let life just pass us by, and not have anything to show for it...? These are the things to live for: feel deeply, act boldly, be frank and with fervor. I love the word fervor. I love the synonyms too: passion, intensity, zeal, eagerness, enthusiasm, vigor, energy, fire, spirit. This is the heart of what he's talking about. If life is so short, the rational thing to do would be to embody fire. These qualities are far superior to the antonyms: apathy, dullness, indifference, lethargy. The antonyms almost perfectly describe how I've been feeling for the last several years. What's wrong with this picture? I know how I ought to be, but don't seem to be doing anything about it.

Life's too short, indeed.

Day 3

Day 3: Decide on one positive habit you’d like to implement in your life. Whether seemingly mundane (like flossing) or perhaps life-altering (exercising every day), think of something you’d like to add to your life that will be beneficial. Then, think about the steps you’ll take to get there, and how you’ll keep yourself accountable.

Well, I am gonna break this off into a few things… just because I have so many potential things I could be doing with my time. The aforementioned flossing is definitely one of the little things that I should be doing. Have I learned nothing about teeth? My toothbrushing pattern is getting worse. I've altogether forgotten flossing and mouthwash and shit. Not to mention, I may not have as much as when I was a kid, but my sugar intake is still outrageous. And, well… hopefully not anymore, but several years of cigarettes don't help matters, either. This routine of better dental hygiene is simple. It's a matter of, first, reminding myself that such measures take mere MINUTES! This should be anyone's motivator. I mean, come on… you don't have a handful of extra minutes in your day? I know I do. I know I've already spent a handful of minutes looking at pictures of Alexander Skarsgard for whatever reason. I spent a handful of extra minutes on the toilet, thinking about what I was gonna do with my day - which, may or may not be an actual waste of time, seeing as how one must figure out their day and their intentions somehow. I spent many minutes masturbating. Although, I also don't consider this one to be a waste of my time. I would go insane if I didn't masturbate frequently. Our sex-life… ah… anyway… back to the topic. Yes, teeth health ;)

Also, this is sort of similar to the last one… not so much something altogether new that I need to incorporate, but rather, adherence to what I know I am capable of… which is, really, to keep this house clean! I'm sure many people are susceptible to laziness, and letting things go. But, fuck that! I let one thing go, and another thing, and another. And, before I know it, I'm daunted at to how to tackle it. Dishes and laundry, and sweeping and tidying… these are things that come naturally. And, after enough time, they get taken care of. But, as long as they come so naturally, I really should be doing these things even more frequently than I am. Part of what's required there as far as holding myself accountable, is being aware of what I've accomplished in a given day. A lot of my shifts tend to be mid's and closer's. If any productivity is to happen, it has to be after a mid, and before a close… period. Both of those times are difficult because, after a mid, I just want to unwind - and there isn't THAT much time. And, before a close, I usually sleep in too late, for one… and then, on the other hand, I'm dreading having to go to work for pretty much the entire rest of the day, so the idea of chores, or other work, just seems like something I'd rather not do if I had to. I need to be responsible for doing at least one major or semi-major chore in a given day. [Today, I WILL take the dogs on a run, and I WILL do the dishes… at LEAST].

I need to be calling my family and friends more. I think the problem stems from, not just the calling. It's difficult for me, in general, to cultivate my relationships. I have a hard time actually opening up, and even being around someone, for fear of … I don't know what… not being adequate… not being cool. I don't know what it is. But, I get extremely worked up, and in my own head when I even try to hang out with friends. And, when it comes time to actually call someone, or when someone actually calls me, I don't know how to deal with it. Part of me wants to make sure I'm not wasting my time (which, newsflash, Eric: of course you're wasting your time anyway!), so I'll decide to watch something instead, or listen to music - while high, of course. Or I'm with Michelle when someone calls, and I don't want to incur her wrath, for whatever reason (not like she's ever really upset with me for just answering a phone call, or talking to a relative or friend). I think the real truth is that we're always so on the edge… we're always hanging by a thread. And, I guess I feel like that time is precious because I feel I need to utilize it to restore happiness to our relationship. But, guess what?! Nothing's getting restored! This has been going on for a long, long time! You can't waste that time on a fleeting hope that it will somehow be the time. That it will actually be a romantic time between you two, and something will be rekindled… that it'll lead to, maybe not sex, but especially just a tenderness… a love. GAH! Off topic, again! Call people! Hold yourself accountable on that. Because, my family and friends… they're all thinking it. They all know I'm a flake, and it's especially difficult to get ahold of me. But, I need to remind myself that I can't hide out in guilt-land, once time actually has gone by. You just call them back. You just make the time. I can get so much out of actually talking with those I love (that aren't Michelle).

The other main one, is the most obvious one… And, this isn't even something I want to fuck around with. I MUST embody this one. I need to get in shape. I love that my doctor told me to elaborate on what I wanted out of working out. What was it specifically that I wanted to accomplish? What would me succeeding at said vague goal look like? He was right. On the one hand, I really want to be a parkour master. On the other, I just want to be as fit as I can be going into the apocalypse (which, in my mind, includes some amateur parkour… duh). I guess those goals go hand in hand. And, better still, I think that both of these things can be accomplished. Well, maybe not parkour MASTER. But, I suppose, therein lies my problem. I just need specificity. I need a workout routine. I need a partner in crime. I need to hold myself accountable on this. I was kicking ass for at least a month - which, of course isn't that long. But, I could really feel a sense of 'go fuck yourself, and get to the gym!' The minute that stopped, it really stopped. It is a self-perpetuating cycle that I just need to continue. Good motivation already, is that Michelle has really been kicking ass herself… consistently! I mean, really… I didn't know she had it in her. She went from doing almost nothing, to dancing her butt off nearly every day of the week! It's impressive, and since she's become an instructor, it makes for even more motivation for her. She cannot slack off at it now. I don't have a class that I must report to next week. I don't have anyone to show how little I'm capable of. Again, the partner. I have a couple friends that keep up a regular routine. And I have some friends that I'm sure wish they would. I need to engage them on that level, and try to find some willing warriors.

(1/9/14)

all i know is, i feel like my writing becomes edited to make appearances

thoughts are filtered into what i think i should think

which isn't real life

are there different colors out there? sure

are these the darker ones?

i know there isn't a wrong decision

i won't feel regret for either choice

but alas, the most important choice i've ever made is upon me

"its these times that it tends to start to break it off

start to fall apart

hold on to your heart"

(From 2010)