Day 6

Day 6: Pick a quote from our 80-ish quotes on manhood and reflect on why it stands out to you. Does it reflect a man that you aren’t yet, but hope to be? Does one of them remind you of a great man in your life who you’ve tried to model? If you can’t seem to reflect on a single quote, just take the time to write out a few of them that you like. Doing so will keep them top-of-mind and perhaps lead to some thoughts later down the road.

Several that stuck out to me:

"The greatest thing a man can possibly do in this world is to make the most possible out of the stuff that has been given him. This is success, and there is no other. It is not a question of what someone else can do or become which every youth should ask himself, but what can I do? How can I develop myself into the grandest possible manhood?" - Orison Swett Marden

"Without an adversary, virtus shrivels. We see how great and how viable is when, by endurance, it shows what it is capable of" - Seneca

"The lesson taught at this point by human experience is simply this, that the man who will get up will be helped up; and the man who will not get up will be allowed to stay down. Personal independence is a virtue and it is the soul out of which comes the sturdiest manhood. But there can be no independence without a large share of self-dependence, and this virtue cannot be bestowed. It must be developed from within" - Frederick Douglass

“Life is too short to be little. Man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and with fervor.” –Benjamin Disraeli

There were others, but they had redundant themes. Here, we have a few different themes going on which could be addressed. All of these obviously spoke to me in one way or another.

Marden's quote deals with how to measure oneself... something I deal with all the time. Over the course of my life, I've wanted to be a writer, a filmmaker, an actor, a history teacher, a music history teacher, a musician, a helper, and now, a comic writer. All these desires, all these would-be ambitions... but what holds me back more than anything is me applying some measurement of what success looks like. Obviously, success is something I don't have, or am not. And therefore, the discouragement happens because I'm wrongly comparing myself to others, or tell myself that I wouldn't be good enough at it. The problem truly is that I can't just try something, and try to see it through... and if I fail, then I fail. I could at least pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. But, I won't even let myself go down that road for fear of failure. This quote is about 'making the most possible out of the stuff given'. I am what I am. I'm not gonna wake up tomorrow, and be someone I'm not. I'll still be Eric Miller. But, that's the challenge. Wake up tomorrow, and grow. Wake up tomorrow, and strive to be the best 'me' that I can be.

Seneca's really spoke to me - as did several other similar quotes - because of something I've felt since I was young. Look... let me start this by saying, I've always felt like in my lifetime, a huge apocalypse-like scenario would happen. I always imagined myself living in a world far different from our own, where I was called upon to be the leader I always felt like I was. This quote reminds me of that. I always felt that if I had some great obstacle to overcome, my true greatness underneath would present itself. But, this also goes back to the prior quote. True adversity in life isn't the stuff of fantasy... it's not Lord of the Rings, and I'm not Frodo. The adversity we must face in life is the simple letdowns... the plain-old failures of not achieving everything you set out to do. When you set yourself on a path to ambition and, and goals, you will inevitably find obstacles. But, you must grow from them.

Frederick Douglass speaks of the responsibility one has to, simply, get up. These days, 'getting up' has become everything for me. It's not just how to deal with tough stuff... it's making something out of yourself. "If you get up, you will be helped up". Others will support you if you try to make something of yourself. But, if you don't even try, you won't be assisted in getting up in the first place. Obviously, there are gonna be people who want to help. But, they won't know how. You won't let them if they tried. You have to initiate the spark. And that brings us to the final quote... (man, all of these really were tied together; at least in my interpretation of them)

Disraeli's quote speaks to me because I, too, recognize the urgency. "Life IS too short to be little". To let life just pass us by, and not have anything to show for it...? These are the things to live for: feel deeply, act boldly, be frank and with fervor. I love the word fervor. I love the synonyms too: passion, intensity, zeal, eagerness, enthusiasm, vigor, energy, fire, spirit. This is the heart of what he's talking about. If life is so short, the rational thing to do would be to embody fire. These qualities are far superior to the antonyms: apathy, dullness, indifference, lethargy. The antonyms almost perfectly describe how I've been feeling for the last several years. What's wrong with this picture? I know how I ought to be, but don't seem to be doing anything about it.

Life's too short, indeed.

Day 3

Day 3: Decide on one positive habit you’d like to implement in your life. Whether seemingly mundane (like flossing) or perhaps life-altering (exercising every day), think of something you’d like to add to your life that will be beneficial. Then, think about the steps you’ll take to get there, and how you’ll keep yourself accountable.

Well, I am gonna break this off into a few things… just because I have so many potential things I could be doing with my time. The aforementioned flossing is definitely one of the little things that I should be doing. Have I learned nothing about teeth? My toothbrushing pattern is getting worse. I've altogether forgotten flossing and mouthwash and shit. Not to mention, I may not have as much as when I was a kid, but my sugar intake is still outrageous. And, well… hopefully not anymore, but several years of cigarettes don't help matters, either. This routine of better dental hygiene is simple. It's a matter of, first, reminding myself that such measures take mere MINUTES! This should be anyone's motivator. I mean, come on… you don't have a handful of extra minutes in your day? I know I do. I know I've already spent a handful of minutes looking at pictures of Alexander Skarsgard for whatever reason. I spent a handful of extra minutes on the toilet, thinking about what I was gonna do with my day - which, may or may not be an actual waste of time, seeing as how one must figure out their day and their intentions somehow. I spent many minutes masturbating. Although, I also don't consider this one to be a waste of my time. I would go insane if I didn't masturbate frequently. Our sex-life… ah… anyway… back to the topic. Yes, teeth health ;)

Also, this is sort of similar to the last one… not so much something altogether new that I need to incorporate, but rather, adherence to what I know I am capable of… which is, really, to keep this house clean! I'm sure many people are susceptible to laziness, and letting things go. But, fuck that! I let one thing go, and another thing, and another. And, before I know it, I'm daunted at to how to tackle it. Dishes and laundry, and sweeping and tidying… these are things that come naturally. And, after enough time, they get taken care of. But, as long as they come so naturally, I really should be doing these things even more frequently than I am. Part of what's required there as far as holding myself accountable, is being aware of what I've accomplished in a given day. A lot of my shifts tend to be mid's and closer's. If any productivity is to happen, it has to be after a mid, and before a close… period. Both of those times are difficult because, after a mid, I just want to unwind - and there isn't THAT much time. And, before a close, I usually sleep in too late, for one… and then, on the other hand, I'm dreading having to go to work for pretty much the entire rest of the day, so the idea of chores, or other work, just seems like something I'd rather not do if I had to. I need to be responsible for doing at least one major or semi-major chore in a given day. [Today, I WILL take the dogs on a run, and I WILL do the dishes… at LEAST].

I need to be calling my family and friends more. I think the problem stems from, not just the calling. It's difficult for me, in general, to cultivate my relationships. I have a hard time actually opening up, and even being around someone, for fear of … I don't know what… not being adequate… not being cool. I don't know what it is. But, I get extremely worked up, and in my own head when I even try to hang out with friends. And, when it comes time to actually call someone, or when someone actually calls me, I don't know how to deal with it. Part of me wants to make sure I'm not wasting my time (which, newsflash, Eric: of course you're wasting your time anyway!), so I'll decide to watch something instead, or listen to music - while high, of course. Or I'm with Michelle when someone calls, and I don't want to incur her wrath, for whatever reason (not like she's ever really upset with me for just answering a phone call, or talking to a relative or friend). I think the real truth is that we're always so on the edge… we're always hanging by a thread. And, I guess I feel like that time is precious because I feel I need to utilize it to restore happiness to our relationship. But, guess what?! Nothing's getting restored! This has been going on for a long, long time! You can't waste that time on a fleeting hope that it will somehow be the time. That it will actually be a romantic time between you two, and something will be rekindled… that it'll lead to, maybe not sex, but especially just a tenderness… a love. GAH! Off topic, again! Call people! Hold yourself accountable on that. Because, my family and friends… they're all thinking it. They all know I'm a flake, and it's especially difficult to get ahold of me. But, I need to remind myself that I can't hide out in guilt-land, once time actually has gone by. You just call them back. You just make the time. I can get so much out of actually talking with those I love (that aren't Michelle).

The other main one, is the most obvious one… And, this isn't even something I want to fuck around with. I MUST embody this one. I need to get in shape. I love that my doctor told me to elaborate on what I wanted out of working out. What was it specifically that I wanted to accomplish? What would me succeeding at said vague goal look like? He was right. On the one hand, I really want to be a parkour master. On the other, I just want to be as fit as I can be going into the apocalypse (which, in my mind, includes some amateur parkour… duh). I guess those goals go hand in hand. And, better still, I think that both of these things can be accomplished. Well, maybe not parkour MASTER. But, I suppose, therein lies my problem. I just need specificity. I need a workout routine. I need a partner in crime. I need to hold myself accountable on this. I was kicking ass for at least a month - which, of course isn't that long. But, I could really feel a sense of 'go fuck yourself, and get to the gym!' The minute that stopped, it really stopped. It is a self-perpetuating cycle that I just need to continue. Good motivation already, is that Michelle has really been kicking ass herself… consistently! I mean, really… I didn't know she had it in her. She went from doing almost nothing, to dancing her butt off nearly every day of the week! It's impressive, and since she's become an instructor, it makes for even more motivation for her. She cannot slack off at it now. I don't have a class that I must report to next week. I don't have anyone to show how little I'm capable of. Again, the partner. I have a couple friends that keep up a regular routine. And I have some friends that I'm sure wish they would. I need to engage them on that level, and try to find some willing warriors.

(1/9/14)

all i know is, i feel like my writing becomes edited to make appearances

thoughts are filtered into what i think i should think

which isn't real life

are there different colors out there? sure

are these the darker ones?

i know there isn't a wrong decision

i won't feel regret for either choice

but alas, the most important choice i've ever made is upon me

"its these times that it tends to start to break it off

start to fall apart

hold on to your heart"

(From 2010)

Day 4

Day 4: Via negativia; today, pick a habit that you’d like to eliminate from your life. Bad habits are like armpits, we all have ‘em and they all stink. Whether cutting soda out of your life, or putting a stop to your porn addiction; either way, as with yesterday, think about the steps you’ll take in order to put the kibosh on that negative habit. And again, also think about how you’ll keep yourself accountable to that goal.

(BTW: It's actually 1/10/14 as I write this)

I feel like it's too obvious to just say 'smoking'. I've made it my New Year's Resolution (bullshit) to quit smoking - cigarettes, that is. Haven't even made a New Year's Resolution in my adult life. If there was anything to make one over, it's this. But, before I consider this my 'thing', I should acknowledge here - and to myself - that I think I finally got this one. I mean, I'm only on day 3 of no tobacco/nicotine, but this HAS to happen. Like last year, it'll be easy motivation knowing I've got my fucking biometric screening coming up, and I NEED more moolah! Not to mention, to coincide with my main positive habit that I'm trying to implement, there is no room in my life for cigarettes while trying to get into peak physical condition. They don't exactly help me out when I'm out, running with the dogs, or going swimming or lifting weights at the gym, or whatever… There won't be many cigarettes floating around after the apocalypse. Anyway, I do remember that this fight surely isn't over after a couple days. I went over a month clear, which might as well be home-free at that point. The REALLY hard part is over. Fucking cigarettes, man. In the back of my head, I've always held on to this idea that even when I quit, there'll still be some other cigarette down the road in my life, even if it's just one. But, that idea is poisonous. Fuck 'em! I try to remember how I felt when I was a kid, and I was able to only see them as this disgusting thing that served no purpose. I mean, truly, the 'purpose' of it all is rather ridiculous. For me, realistically, I guess it's to de-stress, mainly. I hate to say that. I don't think I would've said that initially in my smoking career. But, that really is what they are to me now. Especially now that I've taken on a more stressful line of work than I ever expected I would. Especially now that I'm in a shitty marriage as an adult. Especially now that I'm hardly doing anything I really thought I'd be doing in my adult life. I mean, shit!!!!!! Who's fault is that, first of all?! But, I guess that's where cigarettes come in. They sort of take you down a peg. Which, if you're in a good place, I feel like you shouldn't really need. But, the familiarity of it all, and the… I don't know what. It sucks. Honestly, I wasn't even enjoying the actual high of a cigarette at all. I was getting to really hate it. I suppose the only thing I enjoy is inhaling deeply, and exhaling a smoke. Oh yeah, and going outside for several minutes. I actually began to notice that I would hate talking on the phone while having a cigarette, because I felt like it sort of cut into my cigarette time. How is that a thing? I'm still smoking. If anything, I might just be smoking more because I'm a little more tuned out. But, yeah… having a cigarette outside can be very meditative. But… there's the thing. All I really had to do if I wanted to recreate that effect, is to just step outside! A-ha! There ya have it, fellas! We have a genius here! That's really what I was getting out of it. I'm sure the nicotine does what it does. To be honest, I've never really been able to connect that feeling. I've tried to pretend it wasn't a thing. Which is why I've always attempted this sans patch or gum. Fuck nicotine! I assert that it was never nicotine that had a hold on me (even though I'm sure science, and my body, would disagree). It was this need to go outside for a minute, take some deep breaths, and process some shit, before I resumed my life. I think I'll have my breathing back, thanks. I think I'll have my ten-minute breaks back, thanks. I think I'll have my whole fucking life back, thanks. Oh yeah… and I think I'll have my 30%, thanks :)

Day 2

Day 2: Continuing to work within that idea of constraints, try to write a 6-word memoir of your life so far. This idea is rumored to have originated from Papa Hemingway. The benefit is that with only six words, you really have to filter your life to what you deem most important. It may take you many iterations, but you’ll end up with something that speaks largely to who you are, if not in toto, then at least in this moment in time.

Someone that could be, but isn't

Something that should be, but won't

(1/8/14)

Day 1

Okay… some catching up to do on this month-long journal:

[Day 1: Start with answering the question of why you want to journal, and beyond that, why you decided to embark on this 31-day experience. Write out what you’d like to get from journaling.]

I need to journal… not because one of my good friends has suggested it, or because the motherfucking doctor recommended it. But, because I have some serious issues currently. I'm not happy, obviously. Most of the time, I'm stressed, and mildly depressed… blah, blah, blah. I write this with the intent of writing for myself. Almost everything I've ever written - whether I seriously thought it, or not - was conceived with others' reactions in mind. It is necessary if I want to 'embark on this experience' that I don't hold anything back. It is necessary for me to be… me. I probably shouldn't even be typing this shit on a computer, because I can already tell I'm being held back by the medium and my need to do things properly. Oh well… I need the typing practice. I want this process to rejuvenate what I know I have in me. I used to be so creative. I've written things that nearly got me hard before. And I used to actually journal (rather strictly)(still a blog). If anything, the 'me' that sits here now should be capable of much more. With all the shit that's happened to me since I was 18, how could I not be more profound? Not to say that I even am profound… merely that EVERYone should be, in their own way, more profound as they age. When you travel through life, you're bound to know failures, of many kinds and varieties and depths. You're also gonna know what succeeding feels like, and the empowerment of it. You're going to experience both happiness and love and heartache, and all that shit. You're going to understand that this life is a rather complicated and textured thing… too complicated and textured to ever fully grasp. Letting out one's ideas must surely free up one's mind for other mischief. I cannot see what I must do. I cannot rest. I cannot proclaim. I am no one. I live to live. I don't love it, but I live. That gets harder when you don't know how to fix it... when saying you want happiness won't bring it. Of course, my unhappiness is our unhappiness. This is why solutions don't obviously present themselves. Because, when one of us makes a relative breakthrough, it is squashed or dulled by the ties that bind. We carry our feelings of yesterday's pain. We hurt for the other, and the damage we've caused. We're sensitive to it all, and constantly prone to perpetuating this tragic nightmare, where two bright individuals are shining dimmer in the name of love.

(1/6/14)

rusted memories

the gambler danced back in

he came from the cold winds

he wore his age,

deep with cuts, pain

he found the story hard

he lost his all

"find the time, fellas,

don't be like me, here

i threw it away for some cheap beer

now i'm here, alone, drunk

wishing i hadn't sunk so low"

he pulled a streak of silver

and pulled the trigger

his head exploded

our hearts were forever corroded

no sympathy to the man who can't hack it

none of us are equal

none of us fall into the same set of circumstances

the differences between us are vast

when you look around, you see life doing the killing

you realize that inevitability begets a wide spectrum of outcomes,

horribly chaotic, to beautifully fortuitous

you are you

whether you try or not,

whether you 'anything' or not,

you are you, and only you

you have to live this set of cards out, like it or not

if your hand is shitty, it's not your fault

and there might not be anything you can do about it

but finding inner peace,

reaching true transcendence takes no time

it is, in fact, removed from time

and, finding that peace, is really why we're here

seeing life for what it is,

full of ups and downs, full of triumphs and tragedies,

is the most beautiful thing life has to offer to us living

whether you were dealt pocket aces or not,

this understanding will come to you at some point

maybe not 'till death, but especially at death

if you're in the thick of it,

and can't see it,

don't worry

you will

"you cannot go against nature, because when you do,

going against nature is part of nature, too"

-love and rockets